Had a Dad

So, I have been looking at everyone else's tributes to their dads. They are so sweet and I love them. But I am filled with a bit of jealously as well because my dad sucks.

I truly appreciate his participation in giving me life but that is about it. Wait...I do appreciate one more thing...showing me exactly what kind of person NOT to be.

This is the man that beat my mom, sister, and myself....sometimes for no reason as all. And if it wasn't physical abuse it was verbal. Like when my mom asked what he would like from the store he would say things like "A blonde...about 6 feet tall." He would tell my sister several times that "she was a mistake." He gave me an ulcer by the time i was 12. We needed a police escort to get out of the house when my mom divorced him around that same time.

This is the man who told me when I was 13 that it would only take $5000 to hire someone to kill my mom. That was the cost in 1983 so I am sure it has increased since then.

This is the man that would make me sit in the car after catching 7 innings in 90 degree weather so he could flirt with the other players moms.

This is the man from whom I learned every racial and sexual slur known to man from. The last time we saw him we took Hannah skating and he told her that the Mexicans were eyeing the rims on the zamboni.

The last time I spoke to him was 2 years ago on Father's day when he called me to ask me for $3000. I have not spoke to him since and don't plan on it. I don't even think of him daily but I did today for obvious reasons and I apologize for the downer and the rant but it is good to get it out.  There is so much more I am not even going to get into. 

He is the most depressing, sad, and evil person I know. I have tried by entire life to be the exact opposite of everything that he is.  I know I love my children and let them know that. I know they will never feel about me the way that i feel about him. I know that i have fucked up things and will do it again but that I will always apologize and raise them to be amazing, confident, and strong people. I know they will never be abused. I know they will never hear slurs from me. I know that I will not be him.

So, for all the good fathers out there...Happy Father's day. To my dad and all the other crappy dads out there...well, FUCK YOU!

Now, I am going to go spend some quality time with my kids.